Haylee and Roger: The Password to my Heart
by TheCrazyPerson44
Summary: Stan broke Roger's favorite wine glass. Roger throws a fit and goes in his room. Haylee needs to enter the room to get her stuff, but Roger won't let her in, not without the top secret password. rated m.


Roger skipped through the living room, dressed as Little Red Riding Hood.

"Want some candy?" asked Roger, holding out a health bar in front of Stan, who was leisurely watching television.

"No, not really" said Stan.

"Okay, then how about some granola?" asked Roger.

"Look, I'm not Grandma, Little Red Roger!" yelled Stan, slamming the couch with his fist. Roger had set his favorite wine glass on a table nearbye. The impact of Stan's fist shook the table, which in-turn rattled the wine glass, sending it to the floor. Snap, crackle, and POP!

"What did you do?" yelled Roger, stomping on the floor. "That was my favorite wine glass!"

"Well, Roger, sometimes, a guy has to watch television without being interrupted by aliens dressed as fairy tales" explained Stan.

"But that wine glass was hand-crafted and signed by Food Network's Sandra Lee. It means something to me" yelled Roger, wailing his way upstairs and slamming the door shut. Stan sighed, and continued watching television. Meanwhile, Haylee walked in.

"Dad, where did all my health bars go?" asked Haylee.

"Beats me, I think Steve's little alien friend might have something to do with it. He went up to his attic and locked himself in for no apparent reason at all" said Stan. Haylee looked distraught. She raced

upstairs and pounded on the door to Roger's room to be let in, but it was locked from the inside, and only someone ON the inside could possibly get the door open.

"Roger, did you take my health bars? I need those to survive. I have finals tomorrow" said Haylee.

"Yeah, well, tough luck Hayleekins, I've got my own problems too. Stan broke my favorite wine glass" replied Roger. Haylee groaned.

"Is that really a reason to lock yourself in a room all day?" asked Haylee.

"Yes," pouted Roger, wiping his eyes with a hankerchief. "Now just go away, go away, like all the other girls"

"Roger, what are you even talking about?" asked Haylee.

"I don't know," he answered, stamping his feet. "But I woud like my favorite wine glass back"

"Hey, uhh, Roger? I'd order you a new glass just like your old one if you let me see where you're hoarding all my study grubbies" said Haylee.

"No, it can't be done. Not without...a password!" said Roger in a very serious tone.

"A password?" asked Haylee.

"Yes, Haylee, my personal password for my room. Surely you've memorized it by now" said Roger.

"Actually, no, Roger. I have never ever heard you mention anything about having a password for your attic until today" replied Haylee.

"Whaa? Are you even the same Haylee that let me lick ice cream off her legs?" asked Roger.

"Awww, Roger, no...I'm not" said Haylee, looking totally stupified.

"Are you...are you sure? Cuz I'm on your team. I really wanna give you your health bars back, but I have severe mental problems" said Roger.

"I'll be your therapist if you let me come in, Roj Poj" said Haylee.

"That'd be great, you pumpkin pie flavored snowflake. But I need my PASSWORD!" protested Roger.

"I know you dooo, you poor little guy" said Haylee.

"So will you tell me what it is?" asked Roger.

"Yeah, I would, cept I don't really have a fucking clue what you're blabbering about" said Haylee.

"Take a wild guess. Rumpelstiltsken, Bubblegum Weasels Invade Tokyo on Tuesdays, ANYTHING!" said Roger.

"Hmmm, is your password PASSWORD?" asked Haylee.

"No, that's not my password," said Roger.

"Hmmm, is it Ocean Wave Nine Thousand?" asked Haylee.

"Nope. Nada" said Roger.

"Total Recall 2 Mars is a Golfball?" asked Haylee.

"Fraid not, laser lips" said Roger.

"Hold on, laser lips? That would be one wicked password" said Haylee.

"It's not my password though," said Roger. Haylee giggled.

"Yeah, heheh, ya know it figures. You know I could stand here all day raddling off names and never get bored" said Haylee.

"Well I could listen to your pleasant and melodious voice all day long and never get bored" said Roger.

"Yeah, and just think, just think if I actually guessed the right name, I'd give you anything you wanted" said Haylee.

"A lemon cookie?" asked Roger.

"Anything, Roger" said Haylee. "I would never tell Jeff"

"Ooh, are you gyrating against the door or what?" asked Roger.

"Yes, Roger. I am" said Haylee. This of course was a lie, but not in the imagination of Roger.

"Well, uh, you just said it. You said the password. I would never tell Jeff" said Roger.

"No, Roger, that wasn't the password. The password is something neither you and I could ever comprehend in a million years" said Haylee.

"It's the staple of society isn't it? The hallmark of everything. The pinnacle of all powerful things. The cornucopia of all sexy secrets that Victoriah herself doesn't even know about" said Roger.

"Not exactly, but you're getting there Roj" said Haylee.

"What are you wearing right now?" asked Roger. Haylee laughed.

"That isn't really...the issue. The password is the only issue Roger" said Haylee.

"Can it be our password?" asked Roger.

"Yes, Roger. Ours forever" said Haylee. Haylee was trying very hard to get Roger to reveal his password.

"You know you make this kinda fun, I like married women" said Roger.

"I make everything fun," said Haylee, taking a puff of a cigarrette. "Now, what is it?"

"HAYLEE, WILL YOU MARRY ME?" asked Roger.

"I'm already married, Roger. What's the password?" asked Haylee.

"Uhh, it's the only thing that there's just too little of. Love, that's it" said Roger.

"Haha, oh Roger, no more kidding around, come on what is it? NOW!" said Haylee, who had her tongue way in her cheek.

"Um, I'm giving it to you, Haylee. Really, I am. Coming straight on for you now, baby" said Roger.

"What are you doing in there, anyway? Is the password FOCUSPOINT?" asked Haylee.

"Focus Point? Eww, no way, why would it be something as atrocious as that? That was an inauspicious way to begin our little erotic tour of the universe" said Roger.

"Oh, Roger, I wasn't even thinking of it like that" said Haylee.

"Course ya weren't, now, password, um, take another guess" said Roger.

"Gummy Bear Guts" said Haylee.

"YES, THAT's IT!" said Roger.

"Nah, that isn't it," said Haylee, taking another puff from her cigarrette.

"Yes, it really is. Why won't you believe me?" asked Roger.

"It just came to me on the spur of the moment, I don't know. Doesn't feel right. Hey should I go get my cassette player?" asked Haylee, who was now in a very very goofy mood.

"No, no, no. I'm telling you, that really was the password. It wasn't Rumpelstiltsken, it sure as frick wasn't Focus Point, and it didn't have anything to do with whatever else you said.

It was Gummy Bear Guts, I promise you on a stack of Rolling Stone magazines with my Bond-villain esque golden shit all over them!" yelled Roger.

"Gummy Bear Guts, really? Ah, Roger, I expected more outta you, I was just starting to enjoy our little game" said Haylee.

"Okay, uhh, the password is SensuousSexySalamandersareNeverSilent" said Roger.

"I'm afraid you have to let me in now, Roger" said Haylee, knocking on the door.

"Daniel Craig is a foxy bastard!" said Roger.

"No, no, no, no he isn't!" said Haylee.

"Haylee's Mom has got it going on!" said Roger.

"That's not the password you twirpy little bulbous headed dumpster donut!" said Haylee.

"Um, I have to let my nicholas out of its cage. That's the password!" said Roger.

"No, Roger, nice try, but no" said Haylee.

"Oh god, you're cutting through the wooden door with a knife and you're gonna come in here and kill me. Okay, I'm leaving out the window" said Roger.

"Um, no, Roger. I love you, I would never do that" said Haylee.

"You love me? Really?" asked Roger.

"Well, in a cosmic sort of way, yeah" replied Haylee. Roger unlocked the door.

"I unlocked the door to your heart, but only you can open it to break the spell. Open the door and hug me!" said Roger, his arms wide open for a huge hot Haylee hug. Haylee opened the door. She opened

the door, entered the room, and pulled Roger into her grasp, the two began carressing one another amorously.

"Mmmm, yes Haylee, finally I have you all to myself" said Roger.

"Mmm, Roger, I'm such a bad girl" said Haylee.

"Yes, Haylee, you're incredible, my narshlob is on fire!" said Roger. Haylee and Roger continued necking and kissing for nearly five minutes, when Jeff knocked on the door.

"Babe, are you in there?" asked Jeff.

"Uhh, no, this is just a ghost!" said Haylee.

"Okay, I'll go look for the real Haylee then" said Jeff. Jeff was as mindless as the peanut butter he was named after.

"Woo, close one, now where were we?" asked Roger.

"Well, I was about to unstrap my bra, but you know...Jeff showing up and all, I'm not really feeling it now" said Haylee.

"Yeah, but doesn't that just make this more exciting? Woah, that was wrong, okay, okay, you know that was gonna lead somewhere" said Roger.

"Yeah," said Haylee, sighing and facing the opposite direction of Roger, leaning against a pole in the room near the Roger's Place sign.

"Haylee?" asked Roger.

"Yes, sweetie?" asked Haylee.

"I dreamt of Paris again, last night!" said Roger.

"I know you did," replied Haylee. "I know you did"

THE END

Roger: Wait, I've still got a shot at Haylee I swear. She never got the real password, and she totally wants me.

WELL...not exactly Roger.

Legend has it that later, Jeff came into Roger's place. Then Roger sealed the door shut, and taunted/spied on Haylee and Jeff ever since.


End file.
